I Could Write a Book

9/11/2001 was a very sad day. Please never forget all of those whose lives were taken that day. With all due respect to that day and to all the other days that a love one is lost - death sucks.

I’ve had a difficult time lately dealing with death. I’ve tried to keep it to myself mainly because I almost feel like a freak explaining what’s wrong with me. Yesterday was my father’s birthday. He died a little over 9 years ago and yesterday I think was the hardest birthday of his ever.

Death takes people way too early. Right now, my hero is in heaven. He was the kindest man I knew. One time he was out working - to help a man who was down - bail his hay with some other workers. When he went back into the man’s house he didn’t have on his cowboy boots. The man told him he didn’t have to take off his shoes to enter his house. He told the man, "I didn’t take them off to come inside. I took them off to give them to the worker who needed them more than I did."  I hope one day when I grow up that I’m able to be that selfless.

 I was listening to some of my music today and one of the phrases that stood out was "God gives and God takes away." I stopped and thought a minute and I know that God does take away so that we do not forget the value of our loved ones around us. I know there’s a reason why my hero is in heaven tonight. I’m not sure exactly what that reason is. I doubt I ever do. Maybe it’s to make me be more aware of all the little things that surround my life, to be more grateful.

So, on that note, don’t forget to tell the one(s) you love ~I love you~. I promise you - you never know when that last day will be.  

Nine years ago today I held my father’s hand while he died. I watched one of the strongest men I ever knew wither away to almost nothing. One of the last things he told me was "you’re a good daughter, Kat. Anyone would be proud to have you as their daughter."  I’ll never forget him saying that to me. He always told me "I bye little Kat". Oh, how I miss hearing that.

I miss you, Poppa. I hope you’re enjoying heaven and I can’t wait till I get to see you there one day.

Always tell the one(s) you love ~~I love you~~.  

It’s that time of the year again. I’m headed to Michigan. Whew. I can’t believe that 4 weeks of our summer has already flown by. I’ll be in Michigan for 4+ weeks and then there are only 2 weeks left after that. When did summer time get so short ?

I can’t really say how I feel about going to Michigan right now. Part of me is completely dreading it, but the other part keeps thinking that once I adjust I’ll be just fine. I pray that dh and I are able to make the trip up without contemplating divorce this time. ugh. As you know, when one is driving and there is a passenger in the car, the passenger is a captive audience. Oh what fun ! I’m going with a positive outlook (or at least trying to), an ipod filled with lots of music, and a backpack full of books. I think that should do it. LOL. "No, honey, I’m not ignoring you I’m ………… " (pick one).  Ahh, you do what you have to do.

Tomorrow is a very odd day. Part happy, part sad, part anxiety-inducing. I get to watch my little one do a "cheer" for me. That will be fun. I get to see what the boys have made for me in VBS this week.  I get to hold my dog while she is put down. ughh. That’s the sad part. Lupi is 11 years old and she’s on her last few days. She has congestive heart failure, her kidneys have stopped working, she is seizuring, can’t hold the potty ……… etc. The vet told me since I’m about to leave for a month the best thing I could do for her was put her down. I’ve never done this before and I hope I’m able to hold it together without falling apart too badly. It is so weird to look at her right now and know that after tomorrow I won’t ever see her again. ugh.

So, I’m not sure how much I’ll be blogging this next month. All depends if I’m able to get any internet there. I know I’ll take my puter into town occasionally. So, if for some reason I don’t see you all for the next month, I hope you all have a sunny summer filled with lots of love and very few rainbows.

I love you all.

Peace out,

Babycakes  

PS: I had an aboslutely wonderful time in Huntsville. I think it is beautiful. I loved the "mountains". hehe. I loved spending time with my Bama friend and I’m tickled maroon over my beautiful Bama shirt.  

Tomorrow I’m off to Alabama. Going to go see my wonderful "Bama" friend.  I’m hoping to have a very "chill" weekend. I hope I come back a little more whole. I’m a tad nervous about the trip, but I think it will do me a ton of good. I really need to get away from here. I really need to be there. I plan on coming back with a little bit of Bama in me. 

Tonight was the continuation of T’s baseball tournament. They lost by one run and boy were there some crying little boys. Yes, 9 & 10 year old boys still cry when they lose a game. Personally, I think losing the games teaches a much better life lesson than if they had won the game. They came in 3rd place , which I think is awesome, and they will have their picture in the paper. Woohoo. Good job A’s.

I’ve got more bug bites and zits on me than a teenager whose been making out in the woods for a month. Good grief. Oh, the joys of being in the woods with the Cub Scouts this week. Even though I now look like "big foot" (and I have the actual feet to match) I think they will still let me in the state of Alabama. Roll Tide !  If my LSU friends could hear me say that right now they would probably tar me. LOL.
 

I’ll be back home on Sunday evening, maybe. If for some reason you never hear back from me again - you know I’ve stayed. Lol.   I’m truly looking forward to my time in Bama. I hope you all have a great weekend ! Happy Father’s Day to all the father’s out there. Remember - everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives. Make all your days count.

Peace out. Tell the one(s) you love that you love them.

Dear Month of May,

    Goodbye Dear sucky May.  I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier in my life to see the month of May gone. Gone forever.

    In case you can’t tell by my very subtle words, May pretty much sucked in my opinion. Some of you have listened to me cry on the phone. Others have offered up prayers. I’m sure lots thought I was truly losing my mind at times. Goodness knows I was in that category. Yes, tomorrow starts "hurricane season" here, but I will gladly take a hurricane over "May" again.

    Just so you can stop trying to figure out what was so bad in my life during the month of May (and  in case dementia strikes me sooner than I expect) here are just a couple of examples: death, potential death (yes, the day dh thought he was truly having a heart attack was a fun one) (that’s sarcastic) (sorta), hernias (J has to have surgery), boils on butts(that’s private), finals (ended up with a "B" in the class) ~boo hiss~, Jr League Banquet - (that actually somehow got pulled off quite nicely), baseball games 5 nights a week (peanuts anyone?) and on and on and on. My stress level was so high at one point, I actually had a very nice gay man tell me I need to take more soy to help my menopausal symptons. (I’m not making that one up, lol)

    Goodbye ugly month of May. May I never have to live through another like you - ever. And in case you haven’t picked up this tidbit from me before — be sure and tell the one(s) you love ~ I love you ~ You truly never know when that last time will come.

butterfly kisses to all 

Today, I  was thinking about a particular person and an accident they’ve encountered when all of a sudden I stopped focusing on the physical part of their accident and started thinking about the mental part of their accident. As we all know, every thing that happens to us in life shapes us, changes us, makes us the people that we are today. Goodness knows that my life is completely different today than it was 10 years ago and I’m a much different person today than I was back then. Back to my original thought — I started thinking "what was it like for this individual when their accident occured?" "Was there anything in their life that they wished they had done differently ? Anyone they wished they had told they loved  or that they forgave them?" etc.

After those initial ponderings, I started wondering "was anybody there with them?" "Were they alone?" And those two thoughts brings me all the way to the title of this post: "Sucide Memories". This story is not one that I talk about very much at all. Not like you can say at a party "hey, want to hear about the guy who committed suicide in front of me?" Not a great ice breaker, in my opinion.

It was December 26, 2001. Yes, the day after Christmas. The day when either the happiness and love of being with family and friends are still in your heart or either it is the day when you realize that you just spent the day before totally alone and depressed and wonder "why am I here?" Obviously, for the person in this memory, his thoughts must have run a little more towards the second question.

I was in New Orleans and driving back home. My mother still lived there. This was before Katrina. T was in the car seat, just a toddler at the time. I rounded the bend by the Superdome and was following a little sedan. Not too closely, thank goodness. I drive right under the overpass , nearest to the Dome, when the car in front of me swerves out of the blue. I look directly at the road to see that there is someone now laying on this very busy  roadway. I had seen something fall in front of the car but I really thought someone had thrown garbage off of the overpass. When I realize that this person has just jumped from above, I pull over on the side of the road (leaving T in his carseat) and I’m the second person to reach this individual. A paramedic follows behind me very closely. A preacher arrives from somewhere and kneels and starts praying over this male’s head. He is praying so loudly. I hear no other sounds around me. There is blood near me. I remember being almost afraid to touch this person because I was concerned of catching AIDs somehow.

I took his hand and held it. I started thinking "if this was my child I wouldn’t want him to be alone". I guess my maternal instincts kicked in. I stayed there and held his hand until the ambulance got there to take him away. I knew there was no way he was going to survive. He was doing "agonal breathing" and there was obviously a lot of internal damage. I remember getting up and realizing that the traffic was still zooming by us. That the noise from everything was deafening, but yet, I had heard nothing other than the preacher praying.

I watched the newspaper for days afterwards to see if I could find out his name. I did. He was 19 and at home from college on Christmas break. He had left a basketball game (I think) that he had been watching with his family and walked to this overpass and jumped off. The family said they had no idea anything was wrong with him.

To this day, I’ve contemplated contacting the mother and just telling her "He wasn’t alone. There were a couple of us with him. We did all we could."  I’m just not sure that the mother would want a wound like this to be that compeltely reopened again, so I’ve left well enough alone.

To say that the drive home that night is a blur is an understatement. I don’t remember it. I remember thinking "how can someone do this? What was so wrong that the day after Christmas they kill themselves?" It made me very sad for a long time.

To this day, I can not drive under that overpass without reliving the whole scene.

The end.  

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

© 1996 Linda Ellis

This was "read" at my Jr League meeting last night and I’ve thought about it ever since. It has really made me think about what I’m doing with my "dash".  

    My kids were late to school. J knocks her head on the door getting out of the car. I make it through an emotional funeral and hot as hell burial. I put in calls to 4 different babysitters so dh doesn’t have to go to Open House or "babysit" our children tonight. I have a blow out on the way home. I have a massive headache. A nice man stops and helps me. (Thank you for not raping and or kidnapping me) I inadvertently end up with 2 babysitters tonight. Cancel one. Go to open house - with massive headache. Get a call saying daughter has poo’ed everywhere. Babysitter doesn’t know what to do. I go home and deal with poo. Take babysitter home. Get back and son #1 poos and overflows the toliet. Water and poo are going everywhere. He is crying and screaming. Son #2 is crying and screaming. If there hadn’t been so much "stuff" on the floor I would have sat down and cried. I call dh and tell him to buy me so much sushi I can’t eat it all. I think he can tell by the tone of my voice that something is wrong. He says he will pick up sushi and come home. LOL.

    I have my first competitive tennis match for the season tomorrow. I get to drive on a spare tire with low air. The warning in the car won’t go off. I may arrive drinking.

    I’m crashing in bed. Peace out.  

At this moment, my grandfather is still alive. That fact is very unexpected and everytime the phone rings today I keep expecting it to the be "that call."  I hate it when I dread answering the phone.

I was able to go spend sometime with my Grandfather before I left out of town on Friday. I ended up being alone with him for almost 2 hours. I am so very grateful for that time. I told him I loved him. I kissed him.  I told him that I would see him in heaven one day. After I told that to him, I paused for a bit and was quiet and very reflective towards my grandfather’s life. My grandfather was not always a good man. In fact, he did many things that he should have been put in jail for. In my opinion, that is. I know that he was a member of the KKK. I know that he did horrible things to his children. Half of them have not spoken to him in years. He did not always treat my grandmother the best while she was alive.

Did he ever do anything bad to me ? No. Not that I can remember. Am I sad that he is dying ? I am sad for those that it is going to hurt. I am sad for his wife (he remarried after my grandmother’s death) for she loves him dearly. Their 20th anniversary would have been next month. I am sad for his children who are losing a father that they loved. I am sad for his children who never took the opportunity or just wasn’t able to come at peace or forgive him for the things he did wrong. I am sad for me that I didn’t have that "Norman Rockwell type Grandfather".

Do I have happy memories of my grandfather ? Yes, I do. My grandfather never learned to read. However, when I was 30, he learned his numbers and I think most of his alphabet. I was at his house visiting and he pointed to a tire on the tractor and he said "I can tell you what that says" and he read off the numbers and letters to me. He was so proud of himself. I was so happy for him. He was smiling bigger than I had ever seen.  I remember giving him cards as a little girl and standing to his side and reading them to him so he would know what they said. It is still amazing to me that he never learned to read in today’s world. He is not quite 80. It is not like he never had the opportunity to learn. Yes, I know that his father was killed when he was 7 and that he stayed home after that to help his mother raise the other kids and take care of the farm, but I wonder why didn’t he take the time to learn to read with his own children ?   

Supposedly, my grandfather made peace with the Lord and asked for forgiveness some years back. I am happy to know that about him. I hope it is true. I am very grateful for his death because that means he will not be suffering anymore. No one should suffer while dying.  

There are many things that I could say about my grandfather. Some good. Some not so good.  He was always a handsome man. Tall. I’m sure that is partly where I get my height. While I am not proud of all that he did in his life it is not my place to judge.  So, rest in peace my Dear Grandfather. I am so thankful I was able to sit there and hold your hand so you were not alone while you were dying.