I Could Write a Book

Dear J,

    Today is your "gotcha day". I can’t believe four years have passed since you were placed in my hands. I can still see that moment very vividly. I was in the van and the interpreter went inside the "baby house" to get you. She walked briskly back to the van and placed you inside in my arms. She told the driver to get us to the airport. I know I’ve said this before but I felt as if I was kidnapping you. I wasn’t, but that was the urgerncy that was placed on getting us out of St. Petersburg. Right when we were about to drive off, an elderly woman came running out and placed a little envelope of sorts in my hand. In it was a picture of you when you were around 9 months old and a cross necklace. I asked what the necklace was and the interpreter told us that it was given to you in the hospital when you were just a tiny baby. I’ve got it in my jewelry box for you one day. I’m sure at some point it will be very important to you.

   You know that you are adopted. You know that you were born in Russia. You know that you grew in another lady’s tummy but you also know that I am "mom". I’m not sure how much of the other that you comprehend right now. I pray that you know you are loved. I know that you love me. Yes, there are times when I truly want to beat my head in the wall with some of your antics, but know what ? That would happen whether you had grown in my tummy or in my heart.

   I do believe that God knew that you were going to be my daughter one day. I do not know exactly what He had for you and I in His plans. I know that you are a very special little girl and a very beautiful one to boot. Wow, you’re going to be so beautiful when you grow up. I’m going to have a shot gun loaded at all times to keep the boys away.

   I pray that I’m able to be the best mom that you could have. I know that I do not do everything right with you. I hope that one day you can say that you’re friends with your mom and have a special bond with me. I would know then that I had succeded in my relationship with you.

   I love you Dear J. Thanks for being my daughter and I hope you have a fun "gotcha day" with me here in Michigan.

Love you more than know,

Mommy

(PS: Mommy will add a photo once we are back home) 

I’m home from my mini vacation at The Grand.  We had a wonderful time. I want to go back every month. LOL. The kids had a great time all except when G got stung by a big ole jellyfish. That was our only down moment.

We celebrated J’s "gotcha" day. I think she is finally starting to understand a bit more what that actually means. Tonight, I composed my first letter to her birthmother. After talking to J yesterday about the day I "got her", it really made me want to contact her birthmother even more. I hope that we are able to find some info out for J’s sake.

Short and sweet tonight. Tomorrow starts another full week. 

Peace out, Babycakes.  

I’ve had a "Tidbit Tuesday" before so here is my Tidbit Thursday. Essentially what this means is that my brain is absolutely fried and I can’t think to write a thought-out post. lol.

It’s been a non-stop, stressful day. My last couple of hours were okay, but I’m thinking I should charge for therapy. My nail guy likes dumping all of his problems on me. I’m glad that he likes me enough to do so. I’m sure I owe many people for listening to my problems. I’m really not complaining.

Have any idea how fun it is to realize you have a pretty much flat tire when you’re in a hurry to get somewhere very important ? It’s not much fun. I got it fixed. I made it on time. I realized that I really want to live in Baton Rouge. I have loved Baton Rouge since going to LSU there. I love it even more after today. I got to spend all of about 10 minutes in it - not on business time. LOL. I "cut through" a car dealerships parking lot, too. I realized I was headed the wrong way. hehe. I was just going to play stupid if for some reason I had been stopped. I also saw a priest shopping at Whole Food’s Market. Don’t know why I found that odd, but I did.

After I get at least one important email out tonight, I’m done for the day. I’ve got a million letters to get out tomorrow. Whoopie. Oh, tomorrow starts the Seafood Festival and dh is showing his boat. I’ll spend the morning at Chuck E Disease’s (Chuck E Cheese’s) and the evening at the festival. I’m such a great mommy.  Just another calm day.  

Oh, please say a prayer that Russia decides that they are satisfied with us. If so, I have no more adoption stuff to do with Russia. Then I’ll just have to do the re-adoption in the States and J is 100% officially ours. I can not wait !! 

    Tonight, I spent 2 hours cleaning the entire top of my dresser. My goodness. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I had jewelry laying everywhere. Things the kids have given me on there. It was a complete mess. Was - past tense. Now, it is completely organized and beautiful and shiney. Woohoo! I’m glad I got that little push to do that.

    My goal for the remainder of this year is to get my entire house clutter free. "Less is More" is my new motto for life. I just can’t stand all the junk. I don’t need it. It clutters my "peace". Lol. Occasionally, I get weird. I really should have been born a hippie.

    Well, at least I did something productive today. It surely wasn’t cooking. This week could rank among the worst cooked dinners ever for children by a mother week - in my house, at least.

    I’ve got the craziest day ever tomorrow. The first part of crazy is a class at church on "The Hidden Powers of Kindness". It couldn’t come at a better time. I have been about to kill a couple people lately. The 2nd part of the day I’m driving to the Capital building to get some papers apostilled. (for the adoption stuff)  That’s always fun. Not ! So, night night all. Sweet, lazy dreams.  

    What a great day ! Lots of sunshine, friends, tennis and working out. The only thing missing in my perfect day was sushi. You couldn’t  ask for a more perfect day than today. Oh, between tennis and weights, I burned 1478 calories. Go me.

    However, I am very tired. Wow. I guess it is all the exercise I am doing. I feel wiped out around now. Time to put on my pjs, curl up with a cup of hot tea and watch American Idol. I surely hope the American public was smart enough to vote off Sanjaya. However his name is spelled. After watching last night’s episode, I really hope Jordin wins. I can’t believe she is only 17. So pretty and what a voice. I love it that she is not a stick-thin toothpick of a person. She is much more of a realistic model for our daughters. Ok, I have no idea how I got on that.

    This afternoon, when I opened my mail, I received an email from the "searcher"  that I had contacted. I literally started shaking. I was hoping that it told me about her birthmother, but it didn’t. At least I know that I have contact with a living person in Russia. The searcher told me a couple things that I need to do. Once that is done, he said it generally takes about 4-6 weeks before we know anything at all.

    I have this urge to read right now. I keep looking at a lot of my religious books. Some look very interesting. I think because of the birthmother stuff going on I am searching  out my "calm". Being quiet and reflective brings me peace.  I have this desire to cook for our priests. I don’t even know if I can explain that one. I think a lot about what Mother Theresa said one time " treat everyone as if they are Jesus". If everyone did that we would have a much nicer world to live in. Anyways, my point being, I can’t cook for Jesus but I can do somehting nice for the priests.

    Egads, I’m in an odd mood tonight. Lots going on in my head. Lots. Some personal stuff, some friend stuff, some family stuff. I’m definitely looking forward to church on Sunday.

    Enjoy your evening, everyone. Say a prayer or pass on some positive thoughts for all of the families/students involved at VA Tech.  

    If you’ve seen the movie "Meet The Robinsons" then the phrase "keep moving forward" by Walt Disney means something to you. Before seeing the movie tonight, I didn’t really know what it was about. I knew it was "Disney" and animated and that the kids were begging to see it. So, off we went.

    The movie is set around a little boy , in an orphanage, and he keeps going through interviews to potientally find "his parents".  They show the orphanage and they show him being dropped off as a baby. As we watched this scene unfold before us, Tob leans overs and whipsers "that is just like J".  Yeahhhhh ! He finally got it.

   Finally, my sons can relate to their adopted sister. They understand a little better "where she came from".  We didn’t really get a chance to discuss this tonight after we got home due to the time, but now we have an opening on where to begin.

   I can’t wait to buy this movie when it comes out. As times goes by, I know that I will sit and watch it with J and we’ll talk about her experience. Watching this movie made me so happy that I’ve started the birth mother search.  I felt like Walt was telling me that I was on the right path. (either that or sleep deprivation is getting to me).

   So, as ole Walt Disney says "Keep Moving Forward". That’s a great motto to adopt for life.
 

    Well, I did it. My stomach is in knots right now. I have no idea what can of worms I just opened and I feel like throwing up. sighs.

    I sent off a request for a searcher to see if we can find my daughter’s "birthmother". I can say that I had never considered searching for her until a couple of weeks ago when I went to a lecture regarding adoptees and their birthmothers. Hearing the stats and reading some of the literature regarding how adoptees feel while growing up made me decide that I wanted to do this for my daughter’s sake.

    I love my daughter beyond belief, just as I do my sons. I only want what is best for her, but I tell you, this topic is beyond scarey for me. I have this fear that someone is going to come and try and take my daughter from me. I also worry that maybe one day my daughter will prefer to be with her birthmother. If we are able to locate her, that is. sighs. Then I have all of these worries regarding when do I share whatever info we find with my daughter. I don’t want to "rock her world" at too young of an age, nor too old of an age. wahh.

    Sometimes, I wish life was a little simplier. I’m very grateful that I am able to have these more difficult times, though. If I did not, it would mean I didn’t have my daughter.

    I’m off to hug and kiss and rock my daughter. I’ll say a littler prayer (or a million) that when the proper time comes I’ll know better what to do.